"I miss you"'s not enough

also
I'm selfish.

from December through the end of January I was having dreams once or twice a week where I was begging, pleading on my knees, for Alex to take me back. I really don't think about him that much during the day, and even when I do find myself thinking about him, I try to divert my thoughts somewhere else as quickly as possible... otherwise I tend to get a little distressed. I talked to Becky about it, she seems to think that Alex is just a symbol for something. Either way, something's been missing in my life.

now in my dreams, he's lost somewhere. I'm always searching for him, but I can't find him. I wonder what that means... the same thing as before?

It's probably because I've been feeling really guilty about it all... I thought about trying to tell him what happened. What happened to me. What happened to us. but I think it's for the best, for both of us, if I just don't contact him.

if love is a bolt from the blue, then what is that bolt but a glorified screw?

if it's meant to be, it will be

I found this very sweet.

www.rotatingcorpse.com/dear_diary/please-dont-promise-me-forever/3027.html



today I found out that elephants mourn the dead. even if it isn't an elephant they knew.

"Today, I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill.
'So,' I tried to delicately ask, 'What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?'
'Well,' she responded, 'What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you are not?'"

"Today, a complete stranger on a busy city street tapped me on the shoulder and asked, 'What if you were never born? Would the world be any different?'"

I don't normally write these sorts of things in my livejournal anymore, I have a real notebook for these sort of things, but winter break is making me not write in it enough.

I have some very strong feelings... but every time they reach the peak of their intensity, I have a flash of lucidity in which I remember how insignificant love is in the grand scheme of things... it makes me not want to do it at all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17jymDn0W6U&feature=player_embedded

We put so much importance on love, but look at everything else that is out there! The universe is so vast, we're all just little specks of nothing... How can something that only exists inside of a speck of nothing matter at all?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I think I don't believe in love anymore. At least not in the usual way.

Not for any particular reason... I just don't really believe in anything anymore. Love is just one of the many things that I'll never understand and might as well not exist because its so fleeting and intangible.

Basically love is the feeling that you'll miss something/someone when it's gone, it's not some magical thing or force that can be eternal or everlasting... love is what you make it and I've made mine disappear, so what am I left with?

In The Plague, Albert Camus writes, "For there is no denying that the plague had gradually killed off in all of us the facility not of love only but even of friendship. Naturally enough, since love asks something of the future, and nothing was left us but a series of present moments."
Think about it... when else have you existed other than in the present moment? The past only exists in photographs and memories, and what good is that? The future might never even happen, it could all be over in the blink of an eye and you'll never even see it coming.

ughhh too much thinking.

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

waa

The Flaming Lips' show was incredible!!!!!!!!!

Ever see that show "I Shouldn't Be Alive"? Sometimes my life feels like that.
I called Al because I wanted to talk to him about my ridiculously horrible day... and he said, "I'll call you later I have to hit this."
That makes me sad. I really needed him earlier... no one was around to help me... people saw me lying on the side of the interstate trying to flag them down and no one stopped. All I could think about was how if Al was around it would have never happened. He would have picked me up before it got out of my control and took care of me until I was better. Its been a long time since Al made me cry, but I guess when he calls me later I'll talk to him about it.

When Al was home, he, Adam and I went to see Jamie play at Shillings. We sat with Jamie's parents. It was actually really fun. I'm so so proud of Jamie, I remember when he used to print out the tabs to John Mayer songs... my god he has come SO far and accomplished so much.

oh Al's calling

I hate my life some times.


so much.

at least days like yesterday are rare. I just don't understand what makes me so weak.

going home today for the weekend.

Dentist on Friday morning

Brewer game with Katy on Saturday =)

I just turned in an amazing paper about Tim Burton's adaption of the fairy tale and use of the Southern Gothic in the movie Big Fish.

my mom called this morning to say that my grandpa died in his sleep last night
I don't know
it's hard to believe
I saw him in the hospital before I came back from break
what is death anyway? ever since my absurd trip over spring break I've really started looking at life and death a lot differently... it was a really scary trip but it was a completely life changing experience and I will never regret it or ever forget it. I know thinking about it makes Yogi sad, but since it happened I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and how it changed how I look at life and death and the purpose of everything. I think we forget how much is up to us. I'm not afraid of death anymore... it's just a fear of where I'll end up afterward I suppose. I learned that once you accept death it is a lot easier and a hell of a lot less scary to just let go and let death take over... once you give in to death, the reality of it is so much less scary... I spent so much time in the hospital in Madison thinking about the secrets of death and what it really means... I just hope that my grandpa was able to come to this realization before he left, so that he could have left in peace with a smile on his face... because that's how I was ready to go... perfectly content and smiling.
My grandpa had been sick for a while. When I last saw him he couldn't eat and he was getting dehydrated. At least his pain is gone.

I love Alkaline Trio

spring break was fun, but too short... things even got a little crazy...
I got to see Yogi though so it was all worth it =)